A Moment of Lucidity- Diary Entry from July 2019

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I stumbled across an old diary entry of mine from July 2019. It’s shocking to go back and read old musings concerning my drinking, even more shocking that back in 2016 (only MONTHS after having my first drink) that I started to question if I was an alcoholic. News flash: I was. Here, I struggle to accept that reality. Denial numbed me out more than alcohol did. Spoiler alert: I started to cut back on my alcohol consumption around this time. The most I would be able to scrape together was a few days. It wasn’t until now, three years later, that sobriety *clicked* for me.

ALSO: My idea of an “alcoholic” was clearly warped at this time. I held on to this false concept of alcoholism until Fall 2021 when I landed myself in detox. I used to think that you had to have a drink in the morning to be an alcoholic. I used to think you that had to live on Skid Row. I used to think that you had to lose everything and be in legal trouble to be an alcoholic. Turns out, this conceptualization of alcoholism is a result of skewed societal views. These things don’t have to be true in order to be an alcoholic. If it hasn’t happened yet, it could (You’re Eligible Too).

I have decided yesterday, while buzzed from 7 mixed beverages, that I am done. I am done allowing alcohol to have such strong control over me. I’m done planning ahead the next time I will get drunk, what I will be doing, what I will drink, who will drive me, who will be with me. I’m done planning my life around booze. I am done worrying if there will be enough alcohol at the party, and who’s going to notice how much I am drinking. I am done using alcohol to “fix” what is wrong with me. I am done letting it do more damage than good and I am done drinking myself to near oblivion and certain danger.

I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I know, I know. That sounds like denial. I don’t wake up with the shakes physically needing a drink to get through the day. I just love the feeling of feeling more alive, and sometimes, numb. I just don’t know when to stop. And sometimes, I’ll promise myself (and others) that I won’t drink, or I’ll only have XYZ amount to drink, but then that goes out the window in moments. 

Sometimes, drinks are nice. Like strawberry daiquiris on hot summer days. A beer at the game. A glass of wine at the beach. But drinking to get drunk takes those nice moments and turns it into the vicious start of a nasty cycle. 

I know I have a problem with alcohol, and today I work to improve that. 

2 responses to “A Moment of Lucidity- Diary Entry from July 2019”

  1. You did work on it, and look at you now! I’ve been realizing, this time around, that all of my attempts at sobriety over the years mattered, that they were all necessary parts of the process.


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