sobrietea~ go sober

Four months ago, I hit Rock Bottom. I was depressed and struggling hard. I was stuck somewhere between being a broken, shame-ridden shell of myself and knowing what I need to do to get better but being too scared to commit to it. 

I thought I arrived at Rock Bottom two weeks prior. I believed I couldn’t sink any lower, that things couldn’t get any more difficult. I overestimated my ability to stand on shaky ground with weak legs, and fell back into old habits. It’s true what they say, old habits die hard. 

I lost so much respect and trust for myself in a single moment. One poor choice. A quick succession of poor choices followed, until I lost complete control over the situation. That was Rock Bottom.

After that, I knew what I had to do, and I knew it was time to finally do it. But still, I was scared. I tried and failed many times in the following weeks to make positive changes stick, but I never lost hope.

Then in one moment, at the bottom of a stemmed wine glass containing Titos and cran, I’ve decided I had enough. I realized that I’m deserving of lasting change, that I’m worthy of being the person I want to be- the person I have been lying to myself and everybody else about for years. I was done with the game, the push and the pull, the distress that alcohol caused me. 

Today, I celebrate 65 days sober from liquor and wine! It hasn’t been an easy journey, but it’s been so rewarding. I’m grateful for the positive changes sobriety has given me, and I’m excited for what the future has in store. I’ve still got so much to learn, but so far, I have learned to approach life one day at a time- an idea that has been life changing. I run off stress, it’s like my fuel. But you can only handle stress for so long, before it starts breaking down weakened parts. Stress wears on your frustration tolerance, your relationships with others, your self-concept, and your attitude. I used alcohol to repair these things, which worked to a certain point- until one day, it didn’t. 

I came up with so many excuses to keep alcohol in my life, despite the turmoil it was causing. I defended my drinking fiercely, believing that alcohol was helping me handle stress. In reality, I was drowning my feelings and numbing out. The last 65 days have been a bit of a roller coaster, but I’m finally feeling again- good feelings, difficult feelings, and everything in between. I’m so grateful to be able to really experience life the way it was meant to be enjoyed. I’ve learned that happiness isn’t simply feeling “happy,” nor is it the absence of pain. Rather, happiness is about living life meaningfully and intentionally, while experiencing the whole range of human emotions. Life can be difficult, but it can also be immensely beautiful. Try to enjoy it while you’re here.

While it is difficult being so vulnerable, it’s also important.  I share my story not for sympathy, but for hope. If you or someone you know are out there struggling, know that there is a rainbow on the other side. The world is a big place, but you are never alone.